Fulham's victory over Juventus was a profitable one for me. Indeed, it's the best result I've had since I discovered people actually get paid for donating sperm. Last year, I literally let £1,000 slip through my fingers.Fulham manager Roy Hodgson has been accumulating accolades the way most people accrue clutter after masterminding Fulham's historic victory over Juventus on Thursday night. So lavish is the praise being heaped on Hodgson that if he was 10 years younger - and foreign – he could be in with a shout of becoming the next England manager.
Hugh Grant, professional ditherer and the club's most famous celebrity fan was spotted in the crowd cheering on his beloved team. Disc jockey David Hamilton, professional diddy man, was probably was also spotted in the crowd, though with greater difficulty.
Hodgson has acquired a solid if unspectacular squad on a shoestring budget. "Shoestring" in the Premier League context of the word adds up to around £35 million, roughly one Robinho.
If football hadn't come calling you can't help but think Hodgson would have made a terrific salesman. A friend of mine hires car salesmen to work in his showroom. I asked him how he could tell whether a guy could sell. He told me the secret to hiring a good salesman is to look for an ugly man with a beautiful wife.
I've no idea what Hodgson's missus looks like but I wouldn't mind betting she's a stunner. I myself have low standards, which quite often need to be lowered further still.
Not only has Hodgson done well bringing players in – Mark Schwarzer (free), Brede Hangeland (£2.5m), Chris Baird (3m), Aaron Hughes (£2.5m), Dickson Etuhu (£2.5m) and Simon Davies (£2.5m), he also managed to get shot of a crocked Jimmy Bullard for £5m.
Fulham's reward for their stunning victory over Juventus is a quarter-final tie with German side Wolfsburg. The Cottagers are now 10-1 with Sky Bet to win the Europa League.
Hodgson's men were as big as 40-1 after losing the first leg 3-1 and 100-1 after going a goal behind in the second leg.
As well as Hodgson's team played, they owe an inestimable debt of gratitude for the help they received from the referee, Bjorn Kuipers. He sent off Fabio Cannavaro and awarded a generous penalty for handball. As far as I'm aware it's impossible to run with your arms by your sides unless you're a penguin or in Riverdance.
Stuttering Liverpool are favourites capture the Europa League although their odds have drifted slightly to 10-3 from 3-1 with Sky Bet after they were paired with Benfica in Friday's draw.
It's sad to see Chelsea out of the Champions League. The Blues are whinging that they can't get an even break - but maybe they should first try to break even. What odds now the Specious One ends up back at Stamford Bridge? I'll admit I was desperate for Inter Milan to knock Chelsea out of Europe because I'm Jose Mourinho's biggest admirer - if you exclude Jose Mourinho himself.
Arsenal have a tough task after being paired with the holders Barcelona for whom Lionel Messi is the star man.
Argentina international Messi needed human growth hormone to save his career - Peter Crouch nicked most of it - and, despite standing only 5ft 5in in his romper suit, he is Barcelona's talisman. Arsenal won't worry though – they have Nicklas Bendtner. Ladbrokes pushed out the Gunners to 10-1 from 7-1 after the draw was made.
Manchester United have drawn Bayern Munich but it must be remembered they are a British heavyweight club and, like most British heavyweights, they've been knocked out by every nationality - Portuguese one year, Italian, the next, Spanish and German too. They are the Joe Bugner of the Champions League, though roughly 50 per cent uglier.
Bordeaux must be considered a decent price at 20-1 with Victor Chandler to win the competition. The French outfit have been paired with fellow French club Lyon. They are two points ahead of Lyon in the Ligue 1 table and won 1-0 at Lyon back in December. Yet Lyon are shorter in the betting to progress to the semi-final. Make sure you back Bordeaux at evens to qualify for the semis.
TOP TIP: BORDEAUX (EVENS) TO QUALIFY FOR CHAMPIONS LEAGUE SEMI-FINAL
